The Ugly Feeling of Discontentment

I decided it was time to write a blog and be completely honest in it.

What I need to be honest about is the big, ugly feelings of discontentment I have had lately. This discontentment has been brewing an uncharacteristic “why me?” attitude in my heart.

Have you ever had seasons like that—where you constantly choose to dwell on all the bad rather than focusing on the good? Well, that’s the rut I am stuck in right now.

But, I wanted to share the step towards change I decided to make last night.

First, here are some examples of questions that have made my heart discontent:

Why is my husband having all of these medical issues and pain that prohibits him to even walk? And why haven’t the thousands of dollars we have spent on tests and doctors brought relief and answers yet?

Why was my father taken away from me when I was so young? And why even 7 years later it can still hurt like it was yesterday?

Why is jealousy and discontentment getting the best of me? Especially, when I look at Facebook to see individuals and families that look like they have it all together.

I understand that aspects of these situations are understandably hard, but it is my thoughts about these situations that I want to change. I want to start “taking my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ” (2^nd Corinthians 10:5). I want to have the same joy Paul had in his trials.

As these feelings became overwhelming, I decided to talk with a mentor last night, and through it I realized how I have been asking all the wrong questions. All the questions focused on “why why why?”, and dwelling on this will not make the situations better.

So, I decided to think of some better questions to ask in this season:

What is God trying to teach me through Grant’s ailments? Is it patience and being more servant-like?

What is God trying do through me concerning the death of my father? Is it perseverance and strength?

What does God want to change in me through my unhealthy coveting of what others present on Facebook? Does he want to change my feelings of entitlement and pride?

How can I recognize these negative feelings in my heart and combat them with positive ones?

And ultimately the big question—what am I thankful for?

This last question is one we should really be asking everyday.

Numerous times I have been given the advice to write a list of things I am thankful for but have never done it. Last night, I finally did.

Here is my list of 10 things I am thankful for:

-God and the comforting peace he brings.

-My husband and how we have grown together in tough and easy times.

-Mark, Kathryn & Family. They give me unwavering support.

-Grant’s job at FBCO and the great co-workers he has.

-The college education I received and the opportunity I have to get my master’s degree.

-How my struggles in life make me relatable and empathetic.

-My home and the time I have been able to spend on cooking.

-For my friends and mentors who still call to check up on me. Also, the new friends I have made.

-The opportunities I have had to do missions and, hopefully, more that will come in the future.

-How God has redeemed my life!

Wow.

Now, all I can do is laugh at myself after looking at that list! I actually find the “why” questions petty in light of all great things God has done in my life.

Discontentment can rob you of joy and blind you to the beautiful blessings in life. And let’s be honest—pity party people are no fun to be around. I don’t even like being around myself when I am that way.

Dwelling on thankfulness reminds me how I am truly loved by God and the trials on this earth are so temporary.

God has given me too much to be discontent.

So, now I ask you:

Are you in this same season?

Is life weighing down so hard that you need to write a thankfulness list?

Thanks for reading!

Karlie Collins

A Bittersweet Wedding Day

We all have people who shape our lives.

One person that really shaped my life was my dad. And my deceased father happens to be the reason behind the “bittersweet” titled in this blog post.

My wedding day is in a week and I fully expect it to be one of the happiest days of my life but there is still a little sadness in me too. My dad will not be there and it truly is a burden that is too hard to bear when I think about it.

But last night, I chose to think about it. I went on a drive and ended up at a nearby airport that reminds me of the cherished times when my dad use to take my sister and me to watch planes. This drive and reminiscing forced me to stop and think about these precious relationships.

I have been filling up this engagement with so many silly details that I have neglected time to just embrace and feel all the emotions this season holds and the individuals who share it with me.

And embracing this season means facing the grief along with the happiness of a new life beginning.

So I tell you this story not for sympathy but to be real. To show you where I am and the lessons I am learning through this experience.

I am learning that everyone has burdens to bear and real things to work through, everything from a death of parent to a loss of relationship with a friend. This will be grief that demands to be heard even during the happiest of moments.

So, embrace it.  

No more fake smiles when there are times of harsh reality. The grief does remind us of the moments we do not have with lost loved ones but it makes us appreciate precious individuals that are in front of us right now. We should cherish and hold them as close as we can to our hearts because these moments come and go.

But, ultimately this season reminds me of God’s love for us. A wedding in the Bible is imagery of the final day when God is united with His church. It is a moment when every tear is wiped away and grief forgotten (Revelation 21).

Every. Grief. Is. Forgotten.

How beautiful? No wedding day between humans could ever amount to that. There is such a greater love at work in this life.

So, even though my wedding day will not be “perfect” since my father will be missing, an even better day is yet to come that will be inexpressibly magnificent.

And when it comes, we will not embrace grief, but instead we will embrace Jesus.

Thanks for reading!

Karlie

Just a Simple Truth I Wanted to Write About :)

Lately, I have struggled with the idea of being perfect… What?! No girl ever struggles with that, right? (sarcasm). And I have got to say God has been showing me ways to release this anxiety in me. To live life in peace with being perfectly imperfect. 

And God has shown this to me by being sick a lot this semester...

I came into this semester with mono… then I got strep… then I got a cold… then I got better… then as I am writing this I have a cold again. Seriously, what gives?! I take a one-a-day vitamin and try to eat fairly healthy (although sometimes eating a half jar of Nutella is too tempting! J) so why do I keep getting so sick? Well, I still do not know the answer but getting sick again has reminded me of what God has shown me through it. 

Soooo…. It started with sleeping through one of my first Greek classes this semester because I was sick. And if you go to OBU, you know that you NEVER miss Greek class because it’s like an implied competition once you enroll (dramatic). But after I missed that class, (Warning: this is ridiculous) I cried sporadically throughout the day! My boyfriend had to tell me “Get some perspective! Are you taking Greek as a competition or because you genuinely want to read the Bible in Greek?” (P.S. I am thankful for his bluntness, haha!) If I was honest with myself at the time, I would have to say the former… but since then, this has definitely changed. It changed because I realized sickness was not in my control but my attitude about it  is; I can choose to be anxious or I can choose to do the best I can. And really, learning Greek should not and is not a competition! 

What has really changed this anxiety is really embracing that God has only used ONE perfect being in history to fulfill His will; and that was Jesus. Other than that, God has used imperfect beings since the Garden of Eden to put together the Bible and spread the gospel (I mean C’mon read the Book of Acts, PAUL BEFORE HE ACCEPTED JESUS KILLED CHRISTIANS!) God uses the imperfect for His perfect will. God just wants us to be faithful.

Not to say that we should not pursue God’s righteousness and seek to please him through our actions but we should not be anxious. He says in the Sermon on the Mount to not be anxious about ANYTHING, that even when we make mistakes to keep moving. And being sick is nothing in my control, so there is no need to be anxious about missing that Greek class. Ultimately, no one was disappointed in me that day; I put that pressure on myself.

So three truths I have been telling myself to counter my anxieties about failure are:

I am a daughter of the one true high King.

I will always keep going even when it is hard.

I am always willing to learn

For some reason, those three simple truths have been making my life a little more peaceful lately so I thought I would share!

So I challenge you to write on piece paper:

I WILL NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT _________

And then write three truths about yourself.

Not saying that I have the ultimate way to get rid of anxiety about failure but I am just trying to extend this blessing to you all!

So moral of the story is, don’t take Greek as a competition… Take it because you want to genuinely know the Bible.

In other words, life is not a competition stop comparing yourself to others and causing anxiety. But, follow God’s plan that he has set for you not the person sitting next to you.

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.

-Proverbs 12:15

Thanks for reading this random blog post!

Karlie 

Just Do It

It’s a new year, so pause and take a deep breath.

…I am guessing you needed that, especially after the holiday season.

Even after having a long Christmas break, I feel as if life is only getting faster and I just cannot believe that 2012 is already over!

As always around New Year’s Day, it is a time to reflect on the previous year and see areas that need improvement and areas that have had significant growth. That’s what makes the new year so magical - because it feels like a new start. A new year gives us the optimism of new changes while previous year becomes only a memory.

So, around this time people are making New Years resolutions or attempting to keep the ones they have already made and I thought I would write a blog of encouragement. 

I was talking to a good friend the other day and she spoke about a change that she wanted to make within herself. She wanted to change her daily walk with God and become more intentional about spending time with Him everyday. She broke down and said:

“I want to become rooted in the word so I am the iron that sharpens iron like it says in the bible [Proverbs 27:17]. I want to be able to encourage my friends like they encourage me”

While she was confessing this to me, you could tell the deep burden she was carrying because of this.

It seemed like she felt inadequate to go before God and that it would be impossible for her to make a change.

And, basically what I am here to say is that is a lie.

The more we dwell on the fact of what we are not doing, the more it is going to cripple us from actually doing.

I told her that even if she just reads one scripture a day, it is a start!

I haven’t written a blog post in months and sometimes I will beat myself up about that because I enjoy doing it but life seems to get in the way. Then I have to snap out of it and realize there is no better time to start than now. And if I don’t end up writing a blog post next month or even in a few months, at least I am making a start.

So whatever New Years resolution you have made, whatever healthy choice or habit you are pursuing, just do it. Like Kathryn always tells me when I am over whelmed with school:

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

So breathe and go for it. And if you mess up for a day, week, month, or even months, pick yourself back up and remember that everyday can be January 1^st; everyday can always be a new beginning.

Here are some encouraging verses to read and memorize:

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. - Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! – 2^nd Corinthians 5:17

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:14

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. –Galatians 5:1

Thanks for reading!

Karlie

The Words of a Father

Last night my suite mate and I watched the movie, “Footloose”—not the 80’s version but the newer one. As odd as it may seem, the Holy Spirit really spoke to me through it.

The story is based in a town that three years prior had suffered the loss of five teenagers in a car accident after a dancing party. To keep the town together in the aftermath of this tragedy, the town had acted to ban dancing city-wide at the leading of a local pastor who had lost a son in the accident. The movie centers on this pastor’s daughter and her rebellion against him in response to her brother’s death and her overall confusion about life.  Her father had worked to minimize turmoil in the town, yet had neglected to face the turmoil in his own home.

First of all, I can say humbly and honestly that I have been in situations similar to the girl in the movie. Who hasn’t endured personal hardships that stir confusion?

One scene toward the end of the movie tied it all together for me. In this scene, the students decide to hold the senior dance on the outskirts of town where it is legal. Ultimately, the father hesitantly approves of his daughter’s decision to attend. In order to display his support, he announces his support to the church during a Sunday sermon and buys her a corsage. It all culminates when he proudly hugs her and tells her she is his angel.

At this point in the movie, I’m crying over three things:

1.     My dad was not alive to send me off to my prom

2.     Dennis Quaid (the dad in the movie) was my father’s celebrity look-alike.

4.     This father is showing his daughter love no matter how far she has wandered. And you see that the fathers words of love and encouragement deeply impact her.

      We in the same way should feel impacted when our heavenly father pursues us despite our failures.

       Jesus says through the parable of the lost sheep that he would leave the 99 sheep just to find the lost one. The father of the movie does something similar by risking the disapproval of the whole town to support his daughter. 

 God never fails to find me like the lost sheep and the wandering rebellious daughter. This is always more evident when I am going through a season of confusion about my faith and future. God at the hardest moments speaks incredible love over me that couldn't ever be described with words or writing.

 Because even as upsetting it is to not have my father, the words of Jesus will better than any words that my dad could have ever expressed at my prom. And I realize that more than longing for words from my father at prom, I long to hear Jesus say, “Well done, good and faithful servant”while feeling an overwhelming peace of being found, known, and loved by God.  In that moment I know I will be fully accepted into the kingdom to worship Him eternally. 

Really what moment could be greater?

Thanks for reading!

Karlie